Thursday, August 26, 2010

Mental Meanderings at Midnight

Good news: the cervix length doesn't mean imminent labor like I thought!
Spiritual note: I've realized that my faith doesn't have to be perfect for miracles to happen.

It turns out I was a bit of a Johnny raincloud before I got the OB's actual diagnosis after the ultrasound. Late in the evening, my OB came BOUNDING into my room, super excited about the results (the total opposite of what I expected). She wasn't nearly as concerned about the further shortening as I had been, and actually was really encouraged that--although short--the cervix was still closed. She was also really encouraged that the baby had turned and was head down (Heidi was breech when I was admitted, which would have required a vertical C-section if she had stayed that way). What the OB said next really floored me: if I look this good when we re-evaluate at 30 weeks, I'll get to go HOME. Yes, I'd still be on bed rest and I'd have a bottle of Procardia close at hand, but I'd be HOME. Are you kidding me??? Awesome.

This little encouragement from the OB came as a confirmation straight from heaven about some of my answers to prayer yesterday.

Let me back up.


I wrote a post on faith about how I was hesitant to get my hopes up about any safe delivery date or final outcome. I wanted to take it one day at a time to avoid disappointment and figured that this attitude was the best kind of faith because I was accepting the Lord's will--whatever it may be. I mean, I knew God COULD do miracles, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to get my hopes up that He WOULD do the specific miracle of getting me to 32-34 weeks. I figured the only miracle I knew He WOULD do, for sure, is make me strong enough to handle whatever He had in store.

But after writing that, I kept getting little hints from the scriptures, from friends, and from prayer that in this particular case, the Lord really did intend to give me whatever I asked for. Gathering confidence, I asked for what I felt like was the moon: a birth date anywhere between 32-34 weeks. I also really started to have faith--and hope--that I'd get there.

Fast forward to yesterday, 8/25/10:

9:30 AM I was just back from the ultrasound. I'll confess, I felt terrified. At first, I couldn't put my finger on why because I still was pretty confident I could make it to 28 weeks at a minimum (and that still feels like chocolate cake with a cherry on top compared to my Brynn experience).

3:00 PM After a long day of thinking (bed rest is good for that), I realized what was bugging me was really the issue of faith. I believed I'd make it to 32-34 weeks so much, I was genuinely shocked when I had this recent roller-coaster weekend and then the ultrasound came back worse than I expected.

I began to doubt God would answer my prayers after all.

Even worse, I began to feel guilty for doubting. I wondered: did I have so little faith that even if God wanted to answer my prayer He couldn't because I was relying too much on statistics and medical care?

6:00 PM I poured my heart out to God, sharing my fears and my doubts. I asked Him if He was displeased with me and if I might miss the blessings I wanted so badly because of my lack of faith. That's when His sweet words came: "Natalie, Natalie, of course I'm not displeased with you." He reminded me, too, that although my faith wasn't perfect, His Son Jesus Christ had paid the price to make up where I lacked. His atonement was for more than just sins--it was for weaknesses, doubts, and fears, too. I knew this from previous experience, but the reminder came as a welcome reassurance that completely wiped away the whole day of fear. A couple scriptures came to mind, just to prove the point: Mark 9:23-24 and 3 Ne 17:7-8.

6:30 PM I already felt at peace; but then the OB came in, with totally positive news and confirmed my faith anyway. Just a little extra cherry on top, I guess.

So, although I still don't know with 100% surety what the future holds, I'm still banking on 32-34 weeks!

PS 24 hours until 28 weeks!


Brady and Rachel said...

Hooray for 28 weeks!!! Your faith is empowering! Thanks!

TiAnn said...

Fabulous hopeful news! We are praying for you & I believe whole heartedly in being specific in our prayers! :) You're amazing.

Alyson said...

I knew God COULD do miracles, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to get my hopes up that He WOULD do the specific miracle...

This is exactly my life-long struggle with faith. I have not even the smallest doubt that He can, but I don't know when to have faith that He will.

I'll add my faith to yours on 32+ weeks!

The Lingo Family said...

:) Thank You for sharing your sweet testimony of faith. So happy for you and your precious family.

Jenn Ross said...

In less than three hours you will be 28 weeks! I am doing my happy dance right now! And if you make it to 32 weeks, I might just bust out the running man dance...or do a shopping cart!!!