Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Hard.

I hate being pitied. I also hate being "fixed." So as I send the following thoughts into the internet void, I do so with the wish that no one will feel sorry for me or offer solutions. I share only because I'm human and I hope my words might connect me to other humans.

That said, I'll confess being home is hard. Harder than the hospital. Granted, I don't miss the daily monitoring, the schizophrenic water temperatures in the shower, the food that (try as hey may) got really redundant, or the uncomfortable bed. But in a strange sort of way, being far away from everything I was missing at home made it seem not so bad.

Now that I'm close enough to hear Brynn all day, I only end up feeling farther away. It's kind of like having a really tasty treat dangling in front of your face while your mouth is duct-taped shut and your hands are tied behind your back.

Everyone keeps saying Brynn must be so excited I'm home; and truthfully, she's had some great big smiles for me that made me feel incredibly happy. But she's also learned that I'm still no more fun than I was at the hospital. She reaches for Grandpa B and Grandma H instead of me. They take her on outings, to play groups, and for walks like I used to do.

It's very strange to watch your child grow up in front of you, without you.

However, if I try be more involved, I start having contractions and have to take more pills--pills that give me headaches and make me feel dizzy. So I just keep telling myself . . . only a little longer, only a little longer. I can do hard things for Heidi's health and safety. I can be strong for just a little longer.

Even still, I'll confess I miss being Brynn's #1--regardless of my enormous gratitude for grandparents or the knowledge that I'll get my role back soon enough.

I also miss my husband, who normally goes out of his way to fill my needs the best he knows how; but who is so exhausted himself that he, quite frankly, doesn't have much left at the end of the week for me. And that's okay. But I still miss him.

I even miss the hospital's awesome rolling table with a mirror and drawers. Ha! As if that's important!

Given all my blessings, God's miracles, and how close we are to the finish line, I was tempted at first to feel guilty for feeling sad and jealous.

But then I reminded myself that feelings aren't always rational--so who needs to feel guilty for that? Besides, it's possible to feel the pain without minimizing my gratitude for the good stuff. In fact, it's usually more effective to just immerse myself in the sorrow than to tell it to go away because I "shouldn't" feel that way.

So I let it in--really let myself be absorbed in it--and had a good, hard cry.

And now I feel better.


Natalie

PS Thanks for listening, internet void . . . and all you wonderful human readers.

7 comments:

Tricia said...

You're amazing Natalie!

Account of the Condie Clan said...

You have come so far and I am truly in awe of what you have accomplished! Keep your chin up! So many people love and are praying for YOU. I am glad the good cry made you feel better :) That usually works for me. Life is just hard sometimes. You rock Natalie!

The Girl said...

It's nice to see a little peak into the world of being on bed-rest at home. I never knew it would be so hard. And I'm SO glad you wrote that "emotions aren't always rational." I never thought of that. I need to remember that.

Monique said...

Hey Natalie, Carin and I were curious about how Brynn was doing and checked in. . .

Wow! Lot's going on!

Stay strong. And please, please keep moving your calves while you're on bedrest! (-Sorry, couldn't help myself.)

Sandra T. said...

Natalie, it's Sandra Chilton Thomas. I have kept up with your blog ever since your mom called me and told me to go read it, which was about 2 years ago or when you possibly started it. I have often wanted to comment to you but to be honest I have never commented on any one's blog. But I just couldn't help feeling how helpless you felt in your last blog on Wed. about seeing someone else doing all the fun stuff with your baby and you feeling tied to the bed. I know it hurts your feelings so bad to be in that position. Although you will NEVER forget it or forget how you felt, trust me....Brynn will. She will never remember that you were not able to be the one that is able to do EVERYTHING for her right now. Soon you will get your strength back and you will be the one that is there to take care of every need for her and that is what she will remember, I promise. I really can't give you much wisdom or words of encouragement that I am sure you probably have not already gotten. You really are incredible and I have enjoyed being able to keep up with you like this. I loved seeing the pic of your mom and dad. I miss them so much. They were like my 2nd parents. I just wish that time and distance had not come between us. I love them so much. I am not sure how these blogs work but if you want to email me personally, my address is: sthomas8891@yahoo.com

Amy said...

Good for you. Denial doesn't do anything for you. Wrap yourself up in your feelings and when they're used up, throw them out and move on! Just a few more weeks!

Bonita said...

That's beautiful, Natalie! Thanks so much for sharing your struggle, pain, gratitude, etc.