Friday, October 7, 2011

Sleeplessy Waiting

It's 1:53 AM. As is often the case, when my mind is awake but my body craves sleep, I'm on the computer. Tomorrow (or shall I say today?) is Brynn's surgery. Last night I googled a picture of a scar of what a little girl's belly looked like after an open surgery and explained to Brynn that we would be going to the hospital, that she would get very sleepy, and when she woke up she would have a scar that looked like that picture. I told her it would hurt but that her retching would go away.

I wasn't sure she'd understand, but I think she did. Bless her heart. She clung very close to me saying over and over, "No. Okay ... No. Okay." (When she really doesn't want to do something, she'll say, "No," and then complete my usual, "Okay," for me).

I wasn't feeling too emotional about the surgery up until that point, but when I could see her comprehend at least a little of what was going to happen, I started to cry. The poor thing understood what we were going to do, but she doesn't understand why. Oh how I wish she could understand why so it would be easier for her.

Then I got to thinking. How often does the Lord allow us to pass through challenges, and we wonder, "Why?" We tell Him, "No. Okay ... No. Okay," but the bad things happen, anyway.


I love you, Brynn. I love you enough to let you suffer in the short term--because I hope it will make you suffer less later.

PS I FINISHED the third goal in my 2011 Resolutions this week! Well, truthfully I didn't reach the WHOLE goal because I only did one painting (who knew all the work and research that goes into just the prepping of one of my BIG PROJECT paintings? Not me! So I reserved the right to change my goal to something obtainable). But I am happy with that one painting and I officially submitted it to the LDS International Art Competition. I will make the big announcement about what this project is about after we get through the surgery. Then I will post my very first painting for all of you to see. Stay tuned! WOO HOO!

PPS It was a good thing I had that painting to distract me until surgery day. And distract me it did...nearly every waking and should-be-sleeping hour. William Whitaker got all sorts of emails at all sorts of wee-morning hours with the details of my progress. Good thing emails don't have loud rings that wake him up!

PPPS Speaking of should-be-sleeping hours, I think I'm off to bed. I'll have to post the fun rain/snow photos at a more reasonable time. Like, maybe when my camera isn't up one flight of stairs and I'm too tired to go get it...

2011Res: To Matt: I love to see your overwhelming love for Brynn. Your tender side has come out, too, prior to this surgery and it melts my heart. To Brynn: today I savored your soft, sweet belly. Tomorrow it will change forever. I also savored our puddle jumping and a long walk in the first snow of the season! To Heidi: today I savored your amazing, scar-free body. I'm so glad you came on time. I also savored your ability to look pleasant and happy even when gigantic snow flakes were landing in your face and you had no idea what they were. Dear Mr H: today I texted you often to include you in our day and I also called the surgery clinic the moment you asked me to because I love you.


Alyson said...

We're crossing our fingers and praying about the surgery. Hope all goes well, and that it does everything for Brynn that best case scenarios say it will.

Alida B. said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you that she has quick recovery from surgery and that the nasty retching which has plagued sweet little Brynn's life will just go away forever. As a side note I also want to say thank you for something you said in today's blog. Our 10 year old Brinton will be going into a critical surgery in November to correct a spinal problem which causes him daily pain and I've struggled with all that it entails. Knowing that we are about to put him through months of insurmountable pain...I can't really explain it. However, your words "I love you enough to let you suffer in the short term--because I hope it will make you suffer less later" are exactly the words I needed. They were like chicken soup to my aching heart. Thank you.

Tricia said...

We're thinking of you Natalie...and your little Brynn. Please keep us posted. I hope this hard day makes all the rest of her days SO much better!

Natalie said...

@Alyson and Tricia: Thanks for your well wishes and prayers!
@Alida: OH I'm sorry to hear about Brinton! I am convinced that watching your child suffer is one of the most difficult crosses to bear. I honestly don't know how God does it except for that He comprehends how glorious the next phase will be. My prayers will be with you!

Jenn Ross said...

How is Brynn? I've been thinking about you guys!