Happy Ending, New Direction

If you don't want to read this whole post, I'll just summarize here. Soon (hopefully tomorrow), I'll write about the emotional battle we had to fight through this ordeal.

What Was Wrong?
After a billion diagnostic tests (okay, there were only 3 big ones, but it FELT like a billion), we couldn't find anything wrong with Brynn's implants. And since the left and right ears were both having the same trouble, I felt like a common cause must be at the root. I was worried it might even be her nerve or something that we simply couldn't fix.  Suddenly, I realized what it may be:

Surgery Cancelled...or Postponed?

Well, Brynn's surgery was postponed for the second time due to a random fever and rash.  But I am still feeling like it's a blessing in disguise.  I still keep hoping that we can somehow escape surgery.  Especially when she had an episode with her left ear that was just like the problem she was having with the right ear.

Come on.  What are the odds that both ears would fail in the same few months time span?

I've done more research about that very question. 

Darla Isackson

I found this to be a very informative series, originally published through Meridan Magazine, and republished here by permission from Darla Isackson.

Article 1: Education as the Early Prophets Saw It
Article 2: The Rise and Demise of Church Academies
Article 3, P1: Role of Religion in the Education According to the Founding Fathers and the Constitution, Part 1
Article 3, P2: Role of Religion in the Education According to the Founding Fathers and the Constitution, Part 2
Article 4: Public Schools vs. the Fundamental Purposes of Education
Article 5: Can Parents Counterbalance the Negative Influences in Public Schools?

Article 6: Back to School: Readers Open Talk about Public Education and Tough Choices
Article 7: Charter Schools
Article 8: Creative Combining of Options: Could Dual Enrollment Be Your Solution?
Article 9: Education Reform from the Bottom Up
Article 10: Saints Seek Solutions to the Education Dilemma
Article 11: Mom Schools and Co-ops

Article 12: To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool?

Article 13: Education Series, Part 13
ABCs of Homeschooling
Article 14: Joyce Kinmont, Homeschooling Pioneer

Mr. Paul's Photo Shoot

He sure is a happy guy. The nurses tell me he even smiles in his sleep at midnight in the nursery:  

I love the little lip tricks babies do in their sleep. I imagine this one is because I keep calling him "princess" (sorry, little buddy, after 3.5 years of girls-only around here, it just slips off the tongue):
 

Soft kisses from a big sister:
 

Brynn LOVES to hold her little brother and will softly stroke him--pretty much forever--until you tell her it's someone else's turn.  Her attention span for babies never ceases to amaze me:
 

Heidi's attention span, on the other hand, only lasts about 15 seconds (14 of which are spent reminding her that we can touch HAIR but not EYES). After that, she's off to look around for any good hospital food that I haven't finished eating:
 

And this face is because I wouldn't let her hold the camera. Although I have a feeling we'll see a lot more of this face when my Momma's Girl realizes that Paul is here to stay:
 

Announcing Paul Matthew Hunsaker!

My best pregnancy ever has ended today, July 18th, with the arrival of Little Man Paul at 1:10 AM.  He weighed in at 5 lbs 14 oz and was 18 inches long.  We were 38 weeks and 6 days along with no troubles, hiccups, or scary moments!  What a great pregnancy and what a great little baby.  He nurses like a CHAMP and is super sweet and mellow--even after the inevitable pokes and disturbances.  He's also so much fun to cuddle, I fear I'm going to spoil him early!  

Labor was fantastic and super fast.  It started shortly after my water broke around midnight and ended after a mad dash to the hospital, some hard contractions, and only three hard pushes.  It's a good thing I'm not a fan of medicated deliveries because I don't think I would have had time to be drugged, anyway.  Just at the moment when the contractions were really starting to making me wonder if I could do this, I began to feel the urge to push and thought to myself, "Surely we aren't this close yet!"  But we were...and the on-call doc was wonderful.  He let me stay on all fours, unlike the OB with Heidi, even though it made it difficult for him to catch the baby.  It was much more comfortable and I felt like I could push a lot better.  Although the pain was intense for the short amount of time I was in labor, I don't think it could have gone more smoothly.

Recovery is also less painful so far than it was for either Brynn or Heidi so all in all, I may be the only recently delivered woman you ever meet who would say, "I could do this again!"  Great pregnancy.  Great delivery.  Great recovery.  What more could a Momma want?  Thanks for being such a good little man, Paul.  You were a trooper.

I still can't believe the miracle of a healthy baby.  Even here, with my second healthy delivery, it's such a pleasant surprise when the nurses let you hold the baby as long as you want before whisking him away.  It's so nice when the atmosphere in the room is accommodating to mom and dad instead of worried about the urgent needs of a sick baby.  It's such a miracle to see the slower pace in the nurses' steps and the careful consideration of the doctors.  It's so amazing when the lungs work properly, the body fills in with healthy color, and the eyes start looking around at all the new sights and sounds.  What a miracle.  What a miracle.

I also have to express gratitude for the chance to get so much of what I wanted with this pregnancy, too.  Although I didn't make my ambiguous goal of 40 weeks and 8 lbs, I got to have a fully natural birth without needing to be induced and I got to enjoy a healthy, long pregnancy with zero complications.  I got a sweet, healthy baby boy who makes me smile no matter how exhausted I am.

I love his smell, his little grunts, and his tiny lips.  I love his hairy ears.  I love his little round face and perfect nose.  I love his long, wrinkly Grandpa fingers.  I love his chicken legs and can't wait to fatten him up with some of Momma's homemade goodness.  What a miracle.

Love to all and thanks again for all of your support.  I'll post photos as soon as I get a chance.

Doomsday Milestones

Pregnancy One:
Everything going as usual.
24 weeks, 0 days: water broke with Brynn.  Matt was out of town on business when I called him with the news. 
Delivered at 25 weeks after 1 wk of hospitalization. 

Pregnancy Two:
Everything going as usual.  Planning a move to Utah.
24 weeks, 3 days: high-risk clinic caught my dilating/thinning cervix and admitted me for 2 months of hospital bed rest right away.  Matt was out of town on business when I called him with the news.  Move to Utah postponed.
Delivered at 37 weeks--which is full term--after roughly 2 months of hospital bed rest and 1 month of at-home bed rest.
After the move, we closed on our house.

Pregnancy Three:
12 weeks: Cerclage placed.
Everything going as usual.  Planning a move to another city.
24 weeks: Cervix measuring at 4 cm, which is .6 cm LONGER than last handful of visits (anything over three 3 cm long is good--it is the opposite of being "effaced," which means "short" or "thin" cervix).  It looked so good, in fact, that the high risk clinic graduated me and I only need to be watched by my regular OB from that point on.
24 weeks and 3 days: No surprises.
26 weeks and 3 days: Matt headed out of town on business.  We both held our breath.
27 weeks and 0 days: Matt returned from his business trip without surprises.

Which brings me to TODAY, where Pregnancy Three is still going strong:
At 27 weeks and 1 day, we just closed on our new house.  We are starting to move (gradually and as stress-free as possible); but so far, we still have no surprises.

So now, we've passed ALL of our doomsday anniversaries and I'm still going strong.  I credit it, in part of course, to the cerclage.  But mostly, I thank greensmoothiegirl.com and her 12-Steps to Whole Foods recommendations.  I have been more energetic and happy than I have ever been--even compared to when I am not pregnant; my insomnia has almost disappeared; my regular migraines are completely gone; AND I have made it through two rounds of family sickness without becoming sick myself (which is a first for me for the last 8 years).

Now, I'm just concentrating on hitting 28 weeks ... then 32 ...

Anyone want to raise your bets for a full 40 weeks and a healthy 8 lb baby boy?  I am!  Hooray!

BIG Catch Up

I have some more exciting news in gigantic blob-like fashion since updates are few and far between for me these days. For those of you who are still hanging in here with me and have sent emails wondering what is going on at our house:

1) Brynn is doing well post surgery. Since the procedure, she still had a lot of puking but she didn't need her meds for constipation. A few months later, we were able to wean her off amitriptyline (a big whew!). Afterwards, we started her on a new smoothie diet via the G-tube (courtesy of GreenSmoothieGirl.com) and we are pleased to report that she is going on 4 weeks of being completely puke free! Double yay for good health as a result of good nutrition! Due to this upturn, we've also been weaning her off of her Zantac (she's been on this since shortly after coming home from the NICU) and in a couple weeks we expect her to be completely med free for the first time ever! HOORAY!

2) Heidi is 16.5 months old and has a vocabulary of somewhere around 150 words including "bakugan ball" and "basketball" as clear as a bell. I imagine she's not far from speaking in true sentences, but I'm still hesitant to accept, "It's a BABY!" as a real sentence since I don't think she really knows she's saying three separate words. Either way, she's a chatter box. But for wherever she may be "ahead" in language, she is surely "behind" in walking. Our little squirt is more than capable, but is absolutely too cautious to want to walk indepedently. She prefers knee walking (which she knows isn't as fast as crawling, but her thumb is free for sucking, you see). Silly girl...if I ever get the motivation, I'll upload the video of her first independent walk--some 2 minutes of walking all over the upstairs bedrooms, turning corners, stopping, starting, etc., with no balance problems whatsoever. But would she do it again the next day (or anytime since for that matter)? Nope.

3) My pregnancy is going well; but it always does until 24 weeks so I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. I'm currently 21 weeks and counting down until April 5th when I reach that nail-biting milestone. However, I'm doing everything I can to do better this time--including doing greensmoothiegirl.com myself. I'm optimistic it's helping my pregnancy because after adjusting to the better nutrition, I started sleeping like a log (I'm an especially bad insomniac when pregnant), had WAY more energy (used to need a nap every day with the girls, but now I never need one), completely stopped getting migraines (also a pregnancy gift for me), and--best of all--noticed far fewer contractions. Maybe, just maybe, I can help my body do what my body needs to do by feeding it really, really well. Combining the diet changes with the weekly shots in the rear, the cerclage, and making sure I don't overdo it, really gives me hope that I can have a "normal" pregnancy. Oh yes...did I mention? IT'S A BOY! The Hunsaker name WILL GO ON (for those of you who don't know, Matt is the only boy with 7 sisters)!

4) My first Isaiah painting got accepted into the LDS Church's 9th International Art Show--one of under 200 accepted with over 1100 entries. I was delighted to see my own piece hanging in a real live gallery (who would have thought?). I was doubly delighted to see it right next to Walter Rane's piece. I love Walter Rane. So I officially feel like a Big Whig, even though by every measure of the word, I am still a total no-name! Ha! Yay for my first glimpse of real exposure.

More coming later. Some day. No promises on a timeline here. We are in the process of buying a house, managing a bunch of new diet routines, raising two great little hoodlums, planning the next painting, staying pregnant, and getting ready to move. I still have really high intentions of doing some sort of political rant, but the more I write and try to hunt down my sources, the more I realize I know very little and am only parroting other people. I am mostly investing a great deal of time educating myself before I open my fat mouth via the computer keyboard for the whole world to read. Or maybe I'm just being a chicken and stalling...

Three Big Announcements from a Slacker

Blog slacker? I suppose. I'm about 1/2 way done with the promised political articles. I'm being very thorough. In the meantime, I have some big announcements to make.

1) We just bought one of these:


2) Because we found out we're having one of these:


3) Which is why I'm going into surgery tomorrow (yay for cerclages) at one of these:


WHAAAAAAAAAAAO. I know. I was shocked, too. I didn't figure it out until I was 8 weeks (I'm 12 weeks tomorrow). But I'm just plain excited now. Well, and scared, too. I really hope this pregnancy goes well.

2011Res: Technically, it's not 2011 anymore, but I'll do one last one for old time sakes. To Matt: I LOVE that you are amazingly detail oriented for all the little to-dos of buying a new van. To my girls: today I savored Heidi doing all in her power to reach light switches and say "OFF!"--even when I'm trying to do my make up. And Brynn got me good when her new bedtime stalling tactic was to scratch Daddy's back (he didn't mind AT ALL). Dear Mr H: today I finished sorting the laundry AND delivering it to our rooms even though I was exhausted because I love you (and because I know you're out of underwear).

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Dear Reader, I will tell you the results of the quiz; but I've decided that in an effort to avoid some of the mistakes I made the first time I did a series of sensitive articles, I will make sure I have everything outlined and completed before I post the first one. So far, the outline is about 20 short articles and I want them all written (and edited by a series of people I trust) before I go public--just to make sure I have really said what I want to say in the most effective way possible and don't get sidetracked by emotional debates.

That said, I'll step back a while to further prepare; and in the meantime, I'll take some time to post about the things I'm Thankful for, as well as some fun photos (outtakes of our Christmas Card shoot).



I'm grateful for Brynn and the miracle of her birth and survival. Although she's still vomiting regularly, it seems as though it's less painful for her than the retching was. And I am more than willing to clean carpets and do some extra laundry for a while if it saves her pain. Almost every time we undress her, she looks at her scar and says, "It's getting better and better!" She's also eating some things a little better--especially the past few days--but overall my goals are low for tube weaning any time soon. When she decides to eat, she'll eat, and I'm not going to frustrate both of us by pushing the issue. I am so grateful for the peace God has granted--genuine, lasting peace--where I finally feel like I've come to terms with her quirks. I no longer feel the need to sob when I don't know the future or when I see her suffer. The Lord loves her far more than I do--and although I don't know what HER reason is for her suffering, I most certainly do know that there is a reason. I also personally believe Brynn knew about and fully accepted the challenges she would be called to bear in this life. I am grateful for that belief. I'm grateful for mortality.



Medical issues aside, I'm grateful for Brynn herself. She makes some naughty choices (that girl can throw a tantrum and SCREAM with the best of them), but she also makes many, many good choices. She loves to make Heidi laugh and figures out new ways to do it as often as she can. She treats her little sister like her dearest friend. Brynn is even starting to choose--with no prompting from me--to share her toys, to give hugs, to pat Heidi's back and say, "It's okay, Heidi" when Heidi is upset. Brynn also loves to talk and sing--and especially loves to educate Heidi on new vocabulary (even the things she's heard no more than once herself). I can't believe how fast she's growing up (which is saying a lot since her "growing up" has been considerably slower than an average child). The sweet personality that she is developing just melts me every day. I am so proud of my big girl! I'm grateful for life.



I'm grateful for Heidi. Sometimes I feel like I'm a simple observer as she grows up without any "work" or "intervention." Her understanding of language is shocking to me--and the words she's saying are adding up faster and faster. She is following her sister's footsteps in that she cares little about moving around: she still prefers the butt scoot even though she can crawl much faster, and she acts like a beached whale any time I leave her on her back (she tries in vain to do a sit up instead of a roll over). Well, she's a beached whale UNLESS I'm changing her diaper, in which case she suddenly remembers how it's done and she darts away--naked bum and all--as fast as she can. She can pull herself up on furniture but refuses to try walking along the edge or any other walking unless an adult is holding both of her hands. Even though she's a little timid about trying new physical feats, it's still amazing to me how much more agile she is than Brynn ever was. She crawls around the bath tub in ways Brynn only recently started doing. Amazing. I'm grateful for not having to worry. I'm grateful for individuality.



Heidi's also a Momma's girl--something that Brynn has been only recently (when your first 4 months is primarily with nurses and you never breastfeed, how do you have the same bond with Momma?). Although it's inconvenient at times, Heidi's clear and unwavering preference for me makes me grateful and happy in ways I will never have the capacity to express. Heidi's also learned (already!) that Brynn gets to eat whatever she wants and that life's not fair if she doesn't get Cheetos, too. She will refuse to eat anything else if Brynn has better food. I groan that I'm the mom who lets her kids eat junk food...but keep telling myself it's not over until it's over. Maybe when they're 16, they'll like vegetables! I'm grateful for Heidi's developing personality, too, and her sweet temperament. I'm convinced there has never been a child that smiles more! I'm grateful for motherhood.



I'm grateful for my dear, dear husband. Not only is he a great provider (so many women wish they could stay home with their kids and I'm one of the lucky ones!), a great Daddy, a man who loves a true education, and a man of strong moral character; but also he's a good husband. He's recently stepped up in that last particular role in ways I've never seen him step up before. I'm falling in love all over again only this time it's even better because I know he's choosing to love all of me--not just the googly-eyed, imaginary perfect me he saw when we were dating. Marriage can be the most wonderful thing on earth, can't it? I'm grateful that I get to be with him forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Isn't it great that it's not really "until death do you part?" I'm grateful for immortality.

I'm grateful for talents. I feel a sense of purpose and a flame of passion I've never felt before as I've embarked on this Isaiah journey. I feel like I've got something to accomplish and only time will tell exactly what it is. I want to fulfill everything God wants me to do and feeling like I'm on that path gives me an energy like nothing else. I'm grateful for missions.

I'm grateful for Truth. I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me, a Savior who lives for me, and a Spirit who teaches me. I'm grateful I know the answers--at least in an overarching sense if not a specific sense--to: "Where did I come from? Why am I here? And Where am I going?" I'm grateful for a God who allows suffering. I'm grateful for the knowledge that suffering has a purpose. I hear people say, "Prematurity isn't supposed to happen," but I disagree. It was supposed to happen for us and I'm glad it did, because I'm glad for The Plan. I'm glad I can trust His Plan. I'm grateful for eternal perspective, eternal purpose, and eternal potential.


2011Res: To Matt: I love that you find books like Mein Kampf interesting. To my girls: today I savored the first time Brynn didn't scream bloody murder when we left her with a sitter. I also savored Heidi's "fake out" when she tried to feed me her toast and then jerked it away and ate it herself. Dear Mr H: today I handled the AT&T bill because I love you.

First, A Quiz

This quiz was written by a Business Law Professor at a major conservative University (I know. I just used "conservative" and "university" in the same sentence). I will tell you more details about the author, the University, and the results of this quiz in the next post; but for now I don't want to bias your answers. Do not tell me your answers--I do not care to know--but please take a moment to see where you stand on these issues.

A.
1. Have you read the Constitution within the last four years?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
2. Have you ever read the Communist Manifesto?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]

B.
Do you favor—
1. Graduated tax rates on income?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
2. An unrestricted power in government to tax inheritances?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ]
3. A return to the gold and silver standard of the Constitution?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
4. Federal regulation of transportation and communication businesses?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ]
5. A system of free public education?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]

C.
1. For the purpose of providing for the less fortunate, do you feel government should have the power to completely equalize all incomes?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ]
2. If not, do you believe the poor have some claim on government for their subsistence needs?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]

D.
1. Should government have the power to prohibit child labor?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
2. Should government have the power to set minimum wages?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
3. Should government have the power to license every economic activity?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
4. Should government be completely without such licensing power?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
5. If you believe in some, but not complete licensing power, indicate three trades, professions, businesses, etc. which should be licensed:
a) ______________________________________________
b) ______________________________________________
c) ______________________________________________
List three which should not be licensed:
a) ______________________________________________
b) ______________________________________________
c) ______________________________________________

E.
1. Government should have the power to regulate the operation of all economic activities.
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
2. Government should not have the power to regulate any legitimate economic activity.
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
3. If you believe in some, but not complete government regulation, do you feel you could draw a precise line between those activities which should and should not be regulated?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
4. Government should have the power to set minimum standards for all goods and services.
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
5. If you favor a partial, but not complete set of government standards, name three products or services for which standards should be set by government:
a) ______________________________________________
b) ______________________________________________
c) ______________________________________________
Name three products or services for which standards should not be set:
a) ______________________________________________
b) ______________________________________________
c) ______________________________________________

F.
1. Should government have the power to bring waste lands into production and engage in soil conservation programs?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
2. Should government have the power to control natural resources such as rivers, lakes, forests and mineral deposits?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
3. Should governments sell to private individuals all the land they now own except that which is necessary for defense and protection of rights?
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]

G.
1. I believe that there is a distinct line between those circumstances under which the government should compel people against their will and those where it should not.
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]
2. I believe that the scriptures provide accurate guidance regarding the distinction between good and bad laws.
Yes/Agree [ ] No/Disagree [ ] No response [ ]

2011Res: To Matt: I love the text you sent me today about your memory of one of your friends who thought we made "a good couple." To my girls: today I savored Brynn's puke-free day. I also savored Heidi's giggles as Brynn tickled her feet. Such good sisters! Dear Mr H: today I could tell you needed time in your "man cave" the second you walked in the door. I gave that time to you without complaint because I love you.

A New Direction

Well, I've been alluding to this announcement for some time, but here it is in all its detail: my goals for this blog are changing. I hope you’ll join me (even though the only time I have to post seems to be in the middle of the night when I'm having trouble sleeping).

Originally, I had only a few goals when I started this Blog:

• Efficiently update concerned family and friends who wanted to know about Brynn’s critical condition.
• Inspire by sharing the blessing of God’s peace during challenging times
• Record my life in a convenient form of journaling

Over time, I added more goals:

• Educate (prematurity, deafness, and other odd topics are difficult to just write about without explanations)
• Entertain (though I confess I didn’t know why anyone would find my rather average life entertaining)

Then, last December, I read Sharon Slater’s Stand For the Family and Skousen’s 5000-Year Leap and something inside me ignited. I also read a few books by H. Verlan Anderson and the feeling became consuming.

I realize I may not be a person of any real consequence in this world, but I’ll tell you: I wanted to take a Stand.

So I did.

In many respects, it was my first time really Standing for anything. And being so new, I made some mistakes that were unforgettably, excruciatingly painful. I worried I had embarrassed not only myself but also those dearest to me.

I thought how easy it would be to sit silent. I could post pictures of the kids, report on trivial news, and joke about diapers and spit up. I told myself: it’s all that my readers want, anyway. I thought about how easy it would be to just keep living my wonderful, comfortable life instead of painting myself as a “crazy radical.” Couldn’t I just keep my thoughts between God, my husband, and the voting booth? I wondered if I was risking my reputation. And if so, was it worth it?

I prayed. I studied scripture. I consulted with my husband. I went to our sacred LDS Temple.

Yet my desire to take a Stand kept getting stronger. I read BROKE by Glenn Beck, watched I.O.U.S.A. several times, and reviewed Egonomics again. I even added None Dare Call it Conspiracy just in case I wasn't already “radical” enough.

I cried. I lost sleep. I worried. I wrestled. I questioned. I cried some more.

And now, here I am. This blog is changing. Sure, I will still keep my 2011 Resolutions, report on big news like Brynn’s surgery, and post pictures when it is convenient. But this blog is decidedly not about my daily news. This blog is about finding Truth and Standing for it.

My Isaiah project is part of this. It is almost as much political as it is religious (I know…could anyone possibly cover more controversial topics at once than combining religion and politics?)

I hope you, dear reader, will not be passive if you disagree with what I think is true. I hope you will challenge me and point out the holes in my logic—because you may know some Truth that I don’t have. I hope I can improve in my ability to listen to criticism. I will love you still even if we have to agree to disagree. But in the end I will do my best to stand.

Will you join me?

2011Res: To Matt: I love that you got on board with my FHE idea to bake cookies...and then did all the baking by yourself. To my girls: today I savored Brynn's first big success on potty training. Hooray! Dear Mr H: today I made an extra big effort to be cheerful even when both girls were crying all evening long because I love you.

The Tale of the Red Ants, Condensed

Perhaps some day I’ll tell the full “Tale of the Red Ants” (it involves another person and I don’t have permission) but for today, I’ll simply say: the bottom line is that I learned my style of solving problems isn’t very effective. And I finally have an idea of what might be better.

You see, I tend to focus on the problems in my life. I beat them to death and analyze them until 2 AM. However, when I do this, it’s a lot like invading a red-ants’ nest and expecting to have some peace and quiet while I solve the problem. The ants get so mad that they bite me; and I respond by slapping/killing/stepping on them. It’s a vicious cycle and nothing really improves.

The big paradigm shift was that I needed to step away from the problems altogether. I needed to find a place where it’s safe to sit down and sit still. I needed to focus on what I wanted instead of how to avoid what I didn’t want. In the experience, when I found a new spot of ground away from the red ants, I even made friends with a little black ant, who preferred being on my hand more than on the mountainside. We both had a lot of joy because of it.

Today, this lesson took on another new application:

Brynn isn’t doing well.

We’ve had major diarrhea (+ more) since coming home from the hospital. She's also vomited and retched countless times in the last week (I didn’t even know it was possible to retch without a fundo, and yet she does). So it turns out—at least in the near term—that not only was the problem NOT fixed by surgery, but now we’ve added a whole host of other problems, too.

I even dreaded church (and I never dread church) because of the questions. I know people only ask because they care, and I usually don’t mind answering, but this time I didn’t have the answers. And, frankly, I couldn’t bear to hear the questions without crying because I wanted NOTHING more than to have those answers. Even still, no matter what I tried, I was not getting anywhere. The familiar feeling reminded me of the red ants.

So here I am now. Perhaps it’s time to refocus. Perhaps it’s time to sit down and sit still. Perhaps it’s time to see—and create—simple, daily joys. I gave this idea a try today and it brought a lot of peace.

I like the peace.

So I’ll work again tomorrow to keep my focus on the present. And, just like I found with the little black ant, maybe Brynn and I will find more joy, too.

2011Res: To Matt: I appreciated your help so I could nap today. To my girls: today I savored your ability to make me laugh even when I didn't feel like laughing...I was in the kitchen when I overheard Brynn say, "This is a tampon, Heidi!"

Dear Mr H: today I told my mom how great you are--loud enough so you could hear--because I wanted you to know I love you.

Quick Question

Sometimes when I load my blog on my own site, it takes FOREVER and freezes my whole internet. Other times it pops right up. My blog is the only site that does this. Does my blog do this to YOU or just me? Thanks in advance for the feedback.

PS I did my last post with my new iPhone Blogger app (yes, I am now an official addict) but didn't know how to include the 2011Res. Here they are:

2011Res: To Matt: I love love love that you are taking the "true love" bull by the horns. You really are one in a million. To my girls: today I savored your sisterly love. Brynn told me, "I'm giving Heidi loves," to which Heidi responded with a hug. Dear Mr H: today I put my new iPhone down an payed attention to you instead because I love you (this was very hard for me to do, so I hope it got me lots of points).

Spotlight on Heidi

This little gal doesn't get a lot of attention on the blog because I don't often post about "normal" stuff; but we sure do love her! She is speed crawling, talking ("yummy!" and "uh oh, dwopped!"), and wishing she could walk. She's also trying to give me heart attacks on the stairs but so far we're fall free. She is a wonderful little sister and even let's Brynn sit in her "lap" without complaining.

Isaiah 1:16-18

“They Shall be as White as Snow,” Oil on Panel, 18”x24”

Isaiah 1:16-18 says:

16 Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil;
17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.
18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

This scripture is one of Isaiah’s most beautiful promises about the nature of Christ’s atonement. The promise in vs. 18 that our sins can “be as white as snow” is beautifully written. However, since it’s often quoted without its context, it’s also easy to overlook the prerequisites* in vs. 16-17.

I wasn’t surprised by the requirements to be clean, to quit doing evil, and to do well. Nor was I surprised by the importance of relieving the oppressed or pleading for the widow. I think most everybody knows we need to cultivate mercy for those less fortunate in order to be a true Christian. But verse 17 also explains another prerequisite for our ability to reach our highest eternal potential—a principle that surprised me so much and sparked so much study, that I did a painting focusing solely on this point.

When I read that we must “seek judgment” and “judge the fatherless,” at first I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I first noticed that the original Hebrew could also be interpreted to say, “seek justice” and “give a just verdict to the fatherless” but that didn’t necessarily make it any clearer. After some studying, though, I realized that judging right from wrong is becoming so difficult in our world today, that Isaiah is teaching something critical: we must learn to balance justice with mercy if we truly want to help those in need. Correctly discerning how to act in order to be the most helpful and effective for others—both in our personal efforts (i.e. families and neighborhoods) and our collective efforts (i.e. churches and governments), is of supreme importance. Isaiah even seems to suggest it is vital to our becoming "perfect, even as [our] Father which is in heaven is perfect," (Matt 5:48) and therefore directly affects our potential.

This theme not only appears in Chapter 1 of Isaiah, but also in many other places. Chapter 59, especially, is very insightful for further study on the topic of justice and judgment. But why do you think Isaiah stresses learning to judge correctly? How can we learn to judge correctly?

Although I will write occasional articles on this subject in the future, I will leave the burden of further study, as well as interpretation of the symbolism in this painting, up to you. Here is a great article on "Judge Not" and Judging to whet your appetite. Also, here are a few questions to get you started as you look into the symbolism within the painting:

• What do the red robe and white garment symbolize?
• Is she willingly removing the robe? Or is she clutching it, reluctant to let it go? Which one is your inclination with your own “red robes”?
• What is she doing to balance the crooked scale? What do you do when you are learning to judge as the Lord judges?
• Has she just glanced up to look at the light, or has she been focused on it for some time? What is your inclination when you are learning to be the best Christian you can be?
  
• What is it like when you are feeling inspiration? (I originally thought about putting a dove—a common symbol of the Holy Spirit—in the center of the source of light. But I replaced it with something that is closer to my own experience). How would you depict your spiritual insights in a strictly visual medium if you were an artist?
• How do you think our society today has strayed from a balance between justice and mercy? What are you doing to stand for what is right?

I hope you enjoy your pondering and your research of Isaiah’s principle of justice as much as I enjoyed mine. Through it, I have come to take as much comfort in God’s justice as I take in His mercy. Yes, justice is truly a wonderful principle.

2011Res: To Matt: I am sorry you finally came down with the flu that the rest of us had. I love that you keep marching forward even when you are sick. To Heidi: today I savored you saying, with the greatest sense of urgency, "Yummy! YUMMY! Yummmmmiessss!" before we started breakfast. To Brynn: today I savored your incessant requests for new food--things you never eat. Yes, you must be feeling much better after surgery! Dear Mr H: today I made life as comfortable as possible for you when you got home from your business trip, so you could recover from your flu.

*I realize the idea of God's grace having "prerequisites" touches on the doctrine of grace and works that few Christian congregations can agree on. Mormons are often accused of not believing in grace and focusing solely on works, but I think these explanations from members of our church are very insightful as to my true feelings. As always, I respect your opinion if it is different than mine!

Introducing: Isaiah's Imagery

I am in the process of completing a large series of paintings about the writings of Isaiah. Tomorrow, I'll "unveil" my first painting, but today, I'll introduce what this project is—and is not—about.

CREATE EXCELLENT ART
I sincerely hope each piece in this project is: first, a work of Art—where vision and light work together to create a compelling image; second, a Painting—where the technical skills are as close to excellence as possible; and third, a Teacher—where the message is an eternal priority but the delivery can be more effective when the first two criteria precede it.

TEACH CORRECT PRINCIPLE
I don’t presume to know exactly what Isaiah means by all of his symbols and predictions. But I take comfort in the fact that even Christ’s Apostles were not only (A) unsure of how Christ’s mission would unfold even after He made it pretty clear (Matt 16:21-23) but also (B) doubted the truth even when events happened just as Christ said they would (Mark 16:14). Since I’m certainly no better than they, this project will focus on what I can—and must—learn: how to incorporate Isaiah’s principles into my own life. Then when God someday says, “THIS is what Isaiah means. NOW his words are fulfilled,” I’ll have sufficient familiarity with Isaiah's words to know what He's referring to and sufficient faith to believe Him.

MAKE MY MESSAGE UNIVERSAL
Though my own religious bias will be inescapable at times, I still hope my entire audience (some of whom I know belong to many different faiths—or no faith at all) will be able to relate to the principles I share. After all, principles are universal.

FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
Since my focus is on principles rather than events, I only care about what his teachings mean for you, for me (and for Israel), today. So although Isaiah certainly was biblical, I am not planning to use only olive-skinned models or dress my figures in traditional biblical attire. I want my viewers to be encouraged to read, ponder, and live the principles he teaches in their daily lives—right now. Because Isaiah's message has religious, political, and personal applications, this blog is about to get a more controversial--but I hope it is controversial in a good way.

INSPIRE A PERSONAL STUDY OF ISAIAH
Let’s face it. Even though Jesus Himself quoted Isaiah more frequently than any other prophet, as did many of his disciples; and even though scripture quotes Jesus commanding us to, “search … diligently … the words of Isaiah” (3 Ne 23:1-2),* most people that I know still avoid his writings. They can be very vague and confusing, right? That’s where this project comes in.

I have no guarantees that I will be able to finish this project because the lifetime required to complete it surely holds many unknowns. Regardless, I have decided to forge ahead and hope whatever I can share in the meantime will make Isaiah less intimidating for others.

ENCOURAGE INTROSPECTION
Although I will occasionally share what some element in my painting means to me, I will leave the bulk of further pondering, as well as interpretation of the symbolism in these paintings, up to you. I fear that if I tell you what everything means to me, I will rob you of insights that could have been—and should be—uniquely yours. I hope you share your insights with me because I bet you’ll see something I missed. If you do, I promise to reciprocate with my thoughts so we can enjoy being edified together. I look forward to hearing from you!

2011Res: To Matt: I love our new effort at texting more often throughout the day. Who else would I want to hear from more than you? To my girls: today I savored your mimicking each others' funny vocal sounds and then your laughter at the fun game you'd created. I especially savored the moment when Brynn suddenly stopped, patted Heidi's head, and said, "This is a little sister!" Then Brynn patted her own head and said, "This is a big sister!" I'm just savoring what good sisters you are for each other! Dear Mr H: today I texted back--even when I felt crazy trying to manage the two girls at lunch with cousins because I love you and you come first.



*In case you're wondering, this is where that scripture passage comes from.

Post Surgery

The good: surgery went well and Brynn recovered better than we could have hoped. She recovered faster than anyone expected and ate more (orally) in one day than she has in the last month combined.

The bad: I got the flu the night Brynn had surgery and had to quarantine myself from her. May I just say, THANK HEAVENS for Grandma Diane's willingness to watch Heidi? May I also just say, the worst thing in the world is to have to LEAVE your child, for the sake of your child, right after they've had surgery.

The ugly: Brynn and Heidi got the same flu yesterday, despite my best efforts at hand-washing. Luckily, it attacked mostly the back end instead of the top end.

The upside: Brynn has only thrown up ONCE--which is remarkable since any kind of bug like this prior to surgery would have had her retching up to 12 times a day. It's too soon to tell if she'll continue to vomit regularly like she did prior to surgery, but I'm still hoping this was only her flu bug.

Pre-surgery photo op:


The only smile we could get for the next 24 hours:


Recovering after surgery:


Starting to get around (the nurses' goal was around 20 ft 4 times per day, Brynn did more like 200 feet 4 times per day!):


The bad thing is this flu. We've had a lot of trouble getting meat on her bones for years. But three days of fasting after surgery and then a flu on top of that ... well, you get the picture:


The Scar is big, but that's because they can't do laparoscopic surgery twice (due to previous scar tissue):



2011Res: To Matt: I love that you NEVER get sick. How could we get through this if we were ALL sick? To my girls: today I savored the fact that the flu seems to be done with the worst. Dear Mr H: today I encouraged you that I will be okay while you are out of town on business for the next three days. I hope you can work with a clear head!

Sleeplessy Waiting

It's 1:53 AM. As is often the case, when my mind is awake but my body craves sleep, I'm on the computer. Tomorrow (or shall I say today?) is Brynn's surgery. Last night I googled a picture of a scar of what a little girl's belly looked like after an open surgery and explained to Brynn that we would be going to the hospital, that she would get very sleepy, and when she woke up she would have a scar that looked like that picture. I told her it would hurt but that her retching would go away.

I wasn't sure she'd understand, but I think she did. Bless her heart. She clung very close to me saying over and over, "No. Okay ... No. Okay." (When she really doesn't want to do something, she'll say, "No," and then complete my usual, "Okay," for me).

I wasn't feeling too emotional about the surgery up until that point, but when I could see her comprehend at least a little of what was going to happen, I started to cry. The poor thing understood what we were going to do, but she doesn't understand why. Oh how I wish she could understand why so it would be easier for her.

Then I got to thinking. How often does the Lord allow us to pass through challenges, and we wonder, "Why?" We tell Him, "No. Okay ... No. Okay," but the bad things happen, anyway.

Sigh.

I love you, Brynn. I love you enough to let you suffer in the short term--because I hope it will make you suffer less later.

PS I FINISHED the third goal in my 2011 Resolutions this week! Well, truthfully I didn't reach the WHOLE goal because I only did one painting (who knew all the work and research that goes into just the prepping of one of my BIG PROJECT paintings? Not me! So I reserved the right to change my goal to something obtainable). But I am happy with that one painting and I officially submitted it to the LDS International Art Competition. I will make the big announcement about what this project is about after we get through the surgery. Then I will post my very first painting for all of you to see. Stay tuned! WOO HOO!

PPS It was a good thing I had that painting to distract me until surgery day. And distract me it did...nearly every waking and should-be-sleeping hour. William Whitaker got all sorts of emails at all sorts of wee-morning hours with the details of my progress. Good thing emails don't have loud rings that wake him up!

PPPS Speaking of should-be-sleeping hours, I think I'm off to bed. I'll have to post the fun rain/snow photos at a more reasonable time. Like, maybe when my camera isn't up one flight of stairs and I'm too tired to go get it...

2011Res: To Matt: I love to see your overwhelming love for Brynn. Your tender side has come out, too, prior to this surgery and it melts my heart. To Brynn: today I savored your soft, sweet belly. Tomorrow it will change forever. I also savored our puddle jumping and a long walk in the first snow of the season! To Heidi: today I savored your amazing, scar-free body. I'm so glad you came on time. I also savored your ability to look pleasant and happy even when gigantic snow flakes were landing in your face and you had no idea what they were. Dear Mr H: today I texted you often to include you in our day and I also called the surgery clinic the moment you asked me to because I love you.

Surgery #3

Brynn is headed for surgery to undo her Nissen Fundoplication. The Surgeon--the most experienced in the State of Utah's Primary Children's Hospital--says he's never undone this surgery before or known anyone who has. But our date is set for October 7th.

Warning: I have not written about these details before because they make for a long and sad story. But sometimes life deals us sad stories. And I choose to feel the sadness, let it pass, and then feel the peace.

WHAT IS A FUNDO?
For those of you who don't know and yet still care (which I realize is a small minority), here's a quick recap of the Nissen Fundoplication (or "fundo" for short):



As you can see, this procedure involves taking the fundus (the top of the stomach) and wrapping it around the esophagus. This procedure is done in children and adults and is most commonly used to treat severe GERD (Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease). GERD essentially means that the valve into the stomach (noted in red on the photo) doesn't do its job properly and so food and acid from the stomach go up into the esophagus and cause chronic, severe heartburn. The fundo literally ties the valve closed, making it so the patient can swallow food, but nothing can go back up.

THE RISKS OF A FUNDO:
Since nothing can go back up--including air--fundo patients can not burp. Obviously, this causes discomfort as more air than usual heads to the other end.

The fundus part of the stomach is also a very important part of the stomach, so having that "tied up" (no pun intended), has some consequences as well. Obviously, digestion and absorption of nutrients diminishes. In addition, the stretching that occurs to accommodate an over-filled stomach usually comes from this portion of the stomach. This means that over-eating will hurt even worse than it does for a normal person. In Brynn's case, any eating will hurt, but it will hurt the most when recovering from periods of sickness when the stomach has shrunk from fasting.

Although a patient is supposed to be able to vomit when he/she has the flu, a more common negative side effect is that the fundo will be too tight and vomiting is impossible. Brynn's is too tight.

The most horrible side effect of about 30% of fundos is retching, which is painful, violent dry heaving since the patient can not vomit. In nearly all cases, however, the retching ends after 6 months. For a very small percentage of children (and the percentage increases sharply for preemies with low birth weight like Brynn), the retching can be chronic. Our Kansas GI docs didn't tell us about this additional risk, but our new Utah GI doc says that this tiny percentage are her "saddest cases."

WHY BRYNN GOT THE FUNDO:
First, we had bad advice. (Warning, I am using this as an excuse to vent:) Our worst medical experience was with the GI department at Children's Mercy Hospital in KS. They made zero attempt at informing us of pretty much anything--including simple things like the fact that some of Brynn's tests would require GENERAL ANESTHESIA and A BREATHING TUBE (we literally found out 5 minutes before the procedure) and that her tests would require an overnight stay (we were told it was a same-day procedure on more than one occasion only to realize we should have packed an overnight bag). Even still, I am an avid researcher, so except for the whole increased-risk-for-chronic-retching-in-preemies thing, I knew most of the risks of a fundo and really didn't want to do it. So, bad advice aside, there were other reasons.

Second, although almost all of Brynn's tests came back normal (an Upper GI scope, a swallow study, a lower GI mobility test, allergy testing, ultrasounds, etc.), a Ph Study did show she had a mild case of GERD. Regardless of these results, she still had unexplained projectile vomiting--up to 8 times a day. She was still gaining weight with the vomiting, however. She wasn't gaining much, mind you, but still gaining nonetheless, so this wasn't the full reason either.

In fact, we had actually decided against the fundo.

But, the day of surgery, the final binding reason reared its ugly head: we thought Brynn might be silently aspirating (i.e. getting fluids in her lungs without coughing to warn us). FYI to any Googler who may be considering a fundo and happens to be reading this, aspiration is the ONLY reason I would EVER do a fundo on a child younger than 3!!!

I digress. Anyway...

Although the tests showed she wasn't aspirating, she had a really low blood-oxygen score the day of surgery. So low, in fact, she probably should have been on at-home oxygen again. I interpreted this to mean that she was probably aspirating and we just hadn't been able to catch it on any tests.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then what I know now: it was a faulty reading.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then that her oxygen levels were fine and that she really wasn't aspirating.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then what we discovered 6 months later: that the cause of her vomiting was simply an overreaction to the stress on her body caused by weaning her oxygen too soon. She could breathe, yes. But she couldn't breathe AND digest.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then that she had a very good chance of outgrowing the vomiting in the coming months, as her lungs grew stronger and her body matured.

But I didn't know those things. And wishing is useless. And guilt is unproductive. And regret is a vacuum. So I choose to feel them when they come, and then I choose peace.

WHY WE ARE UNDOING THE FUNDO:
For kids like Brynn, who retch chronically, few options exist. Only one man, Dr. Hymen, has researched the miniscule population suffering from this and his advice is to put them on Amitriptyline (an anti-anxiety drug for adults) and Gabapentin (a gut relaxer). The reason this works is because the retching becomes a vicious pain cycle. The brain's first reaction to stress--even a minor stress--is to retch, which causes more pain, and reinforces the body's pain cycle. The anti-anxiety drug reduces the brain's "freak out" response to minor stresses and the Gabapentin reinforces it by relaxing the gut.

As much as I recoil in horror from the idea of putting a toddler on an anti-anxiety drug, it was our last option.

Brynn has been on Amitriptyline for over a year. For the first three months she was on it, it was a miracle drug. She started eating--voraciously--and after learning to chew and swallow, eventually was eating nearly all her solids by mouth. Aside from learning to drink liquids, she was nearly weaned from the G-tube.

But after she got her first cold, her body was stressed, and she retched regardless of her meds. Shortly after that, she got the flu, then another cold, then 3 more colds .... and here we are today. The Amitriptyline isn't effective anymore. We've tried a host of other drugs too long to recall.

Brynn is still retching.

And my heart rips out of my chest every time. It makes me so sad that sometimes I can't be sad anymore. So I get angry. But I try to feel that, too, let it pass, and then choose peace.

SO WILL UNDOING THE FUNDO WORK?
Even though our experienced surgeon has never seen anyone undo a child's fundo, our GI doc (well known across the country and friends of Dr. Hymen) has seen only ONE case similar to Brynn. After exhausting all options, they finally undid the fundo. And guess what? The retching stopped.

Let me repeat for emphasis: the retching stopped.

This seems like a distant hope to me but--Oh! how it would be a dream come true.

So, precedents aside, we are undoing Brynn's fundo on October 7th.

She could very well just continue her routine, only vomiting instead of retching. She could have a completely useless fundus and esophageal valve since all muscles atrophy without use and hers have been tied in a knot for the last 2.5 years. She could have severe reflux as a result. I don't know. Nobody knows.

But I hope.

And I choose to believe the simple truth: sometimes we do the best we can with the information we have--even if it's bad information. I choose to forgive all those that gave us bad advice. I choose to accept the fact that sometimes a good oxygen reading is hard to get on a little one like Brynn. I choose peace. And with God's grace, I can have it.

2011Res: To Matt: I love when you take me to the Temple. I love the peace we find there about scary unkowns. To my girls: today I savored our laughs at bath time. Brynn just figured out that the sponge numbers not only stick to the bath walls, but ALSO to Heidi! What fun:

Dear Mr H: today I made our post-Temple evening extra fun because I love you.

Regrouping, Not Forgetting

Dear Reader,

I have not forgotten you. I have, however, been going through one of the top 3 most excruciating growth periods of my life. I wasn't sure what to write when it felt like I didn't have any answers to accompany my questions. But, as the darkest dark nearly always hits just before the dawn, I’ve also received some of the most monumental insights of my life.

I’ll get around to sharing those insights in later posts (believe me I can hardly wait).

For now I will simply say that many of my long-held beliefs--beliefs so ingrained in my life that I didn't even realize they were worthy of examination--have now burned up before my very eyes. I didn't even notice how tightly I was gripping the beliefs until the burning embers turned to ashes and blew from my grasp with several final gusts of irony.

Not sure what to grab onto next, I have been in an all-encompassing search for answers. Night and day, every spare minute, reading book after book, praying, fasting, even going to our sacred Temple--I'm telling you, all-encompassing. The answers I've found are, well, completely new to me; but really just age-old principles that took on new meaning and application. I often wonder why I was so blind all along.

I still have some work to do, but consider this post a pre-announcement for more to come.

For the last 5 years I've been working on a project that few people know about. The prep work has been tedious but, oddly, has also prepared me to know what to DO with many of the answers I've found over the past few months.

If I have any luck in being pleased with what comes off my paint brush, this new beginning will be marked by a single painting--the first of what I hope will be nearly 60 total paintings. It will take me a lifetime to finish all of them, but I decided to share the paintings as I go instead of waiting until they are all completed. This means seeing me in the process will make the overall project a little less polished or even cohesive; but the urgency of sharing what I've learned feels too critical to wait.

Thanks for waiting and thanks for following. I have not forgotten you.

2011Res: To Matt: I am humbled by your courage and curiosity. I am glad I have your hand to hold for eternity. To Heidi: today I savored your boisterous giggles when I thought my "show" was anything but funny. Oh I wish I could record that laugh and listen to it over and over again. To Brynn: today I savored your pleas to pick you up. You always say, "Pick you up, please." After telling you I was busy and could not pick you up (about 20 times), you stopped, thought, and said, "Pick ME up, please." WOW! To reward you for correcting your own grammar, I picked you up! Dear Mr H: I have learned that one good way to serve you is to "step away" from the "red fire ants." Thank you for seeing it as a loving maneuver instead of a threat.