A New Direction

Well, I've been alluding to this announcement for some time, but here it is in all its detail: my goals for this blog are changing. I hope you’ll join me (even though the only time I have to post seems to be in the middle of the night when I'm having trouble sleeping).

Originally, I had only a few goals when I started this Blog:

• Efficiently update concerned family and friends who wanted to know about Brynn’s critical condition.
• Inspire by sharing the blessing of God’s peace during challenging times
• Record my life in a convenient form of journaling

Over time, I added more goals:

• Educate (prematurity, deafness, and other odd topics are difficult to just write about without explanations)
• Entertain (though I confess I didn’t know why anyone would find my rather average life entertaining)

Then, last December, I read Sharon Slater’s Stand For the Family and Skousen’s 5000-Year Leap and something inside me ignited. I also read a few books by H. Verlan Anderson and the feeling became consuming.

I realize I may not be a person of any real consequence in this world, but I’ll tell you: I wanted to take a Stand.

So I did.

In many respects, it was my first time really Standing for anything. And being so new, I made some mistakes that were unforgettably, excruciatingly painful. I worried I had embarrassed not only myself but also those dearest to me.

I thought how easy it would be to sit silent. I could post pictures of the kids, report on trivial news, and joke about diapers and spit up. I told myself: it’s all that my readers want, anyway. I thought about how easy it would be to just keep living my wonderful, comfortable life instead of painting myself as a “crazy radical.” Couldn’t I just keep my thoughts between God, my husband, and the voting booth? I wondered if I was risking my reputation. And if so, was it worth it?

I prayed. I studied scripture. I consulted with my husband. I went to our sacred LDS Temple.

Yet my desire to take a Stand kept getting stronger. I read BROKE by Glenn Beck, watched I.O.U.S.A. several times, and reviewed Egonomics again. I even added None Dare Call it Conspiracy just in case I wasn't already “radical” enough.

I cried. I lost sleep. I worried. I wrestled. I questioned. I cried some more.

And now, here I am. This blog is changing. Sure, I will still keep my 2011 Resolutions, report on big news like Brynn’s surgery, and post pictures when it is convenient. But this blog is decidedly not about my daily news. This blog is about finding Truth and Standing for it.

My Isaiah project is part of this. It is almost as much political as it is religious (I know…could anyone possibly cover more controversial topics at once than combining religion and politics?)

I hope you, dear reader, will not be passive if you disagree with what I think is true. I hope you will challenge me and point out the holes in my logic—because you may know some Truth that I don’t have. I hope I can improve in my ability to listen to criticism. I will love you still even if we have to agree to disagree. But in the end I will do my best to stand.

Will you join me?

2011Res: To Matt: I love that you got on board with my FHE idea to bake cookies...and then did all the baking by yourself. To my girls: today I savored Brynn's first big success on potty training. Hooray! Dear Mr H: today I made an extra big effort to be cheerful even when both girls were crying all evening long because I love you.

The Tale of the Red Ants, Condensed

Perhaps some day I’ll tell the full “Tale of the Red Ants” (it involves another person and I don’t have permission) but for today, I’ll simply say: the bottom line is that I learned my style of solving problems isn’t very effective. And I finally have an idea of what might be better.

You see, I tend to focus on the problems in my life. I beat them to death and analyze them until 2 AM. However, when I do this, it’s a lot like invading a red-ants’ nest and expecting to have some peace and quiet while I solve the problem. The ants get so mad that they bite me; and I respond by slapping/killing/stepping on them. It’s a vicious cycle and nothing really improves.

The big paradigm shift was that I needed to step away from the problems altogether. I needed to find a place where it’s safe to sit down and sit still. I needed to focus on what I wanted instead of how to avoid what I didn’t want. In the experience, when I found a new spot of ground away from the red ants, I even made friends with a little black ant, who preferred being on my hand more than on the mountainside. We both had a lot of joy because of it.

Today, this lesson took on another new application:

Brynn isn’t doing well.

We’ve had major diarrhea (+ more) since coming home from the hospital. She's also vomited and retched countless times in the last week (I didn’t even know it was possible to retch without a fundo, and yet she does). So it turns out—at least in the near term—that not only was the problem NOT fixed by surgery, but now we’ve added a whole host of other problems, too.

I even dreaded church (and I never dread church) because of the questions. I know people only ask because they care, and I usually don’t mind answering, but this time I didn’t have the answers. And, frankly, I couldn’t bear to hear the questions without crying because I wanted NOTHING more than to have those answers. Even still, no matter what I tried, I was not getting anywhere. The familiar feeling reminded me of the red ants.

So here I am now. Perhaps it’s time to refocus. Perhaps it’s time to sit down and sit still. Perhaps it’s time to see—and create—simple, daily joys. I gave this idea a try today and it brought a lot of peace.

I like the peace.

So I’ll work again tomorrow to keep my focus on the present. And, just like I found with the little black ant, maybe Brynn and I will find more joy, too.

2011Res: To Matt: I appreciated your help so I could nap today. To my girls: today I savored your ability to make me laugh even when I didn't feel like laughing...I was in the kitchen when I overheard Brynn say, "This is a tampon, Heidi!"

Dear Mr H: today I told my mom how great you are--loud enough so you could hear--because I wanted you to know I love you.

Quick Question

Sometimes when I load my blog on my own site, it takes FOREVER and freezes my whole internet. Other times it pops right up. My blog is the only site that does this. Does my blog do this to YOU or just me? Thanks in advance for the feedback.

PS I did my last post with my new iPhone Blogger app (yes, I am now an official addict) but didn't know how to include the 2011Res. Here they are:

2011Res: To Matt: I love love love that you are taking the "true love" bull by the horns. You really are one in a million. To my girls: today I savored your sisterly love. Brynn told me, "I'm giving Heidi loves," to which Heidi responded with a hug. Dear Mr H: today I put my new iPhone down an payed attention to you instead because I love you (this was very hard for me to do, so I hope it got me lots of points).

Spotlight on Heidi

This little gal doesn't get a lot of attention on the blog because I don't often post about "normal" stuff; but we sure do love her! She is speed crawling, talking ("yummy!" and "uh oh, dwopped!"), and wishing she could walk. She's also trying to give me heart attacks on the stairs but so far we're fall free. She is a wonderful little sister and even let's Brynn sit in her "lap" without complaining.

Isaiah 1:16-18

“They Shall be as White as Snow,” Oil on Panel, 18”x24”

Isaiah 1:16-18 says:

16 Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil;
17 Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow.
18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

This scripture is one of Isaiah’s most beautiful promises about the nature of Christ’s atonement. The promise in vs. 18 that our sins can “be as white as snow” is beautifully written. However, since it’s often quoted without its context, it’s also easy to overlook the prerequisites* in vs. 16-17.

I wasn’t surprised by the requirements to be clean, to quit doing evil, and to do well. Nor was I surprised by the importance of relieving the oppressed or pleading for the widow. I think most everybody knows we need to cultivate mercy for those less fortunate in order to be a true Christian. But verse 17 also explains another prerequisite for our ability to reach our highest eternal potential—a principle that surprised me so much and sparked so much study, that I did a painting focusing solely on this point.

When I read that we must “seek judgment” and “judge the fatherless,” at first I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I first noticed that the original Hebrew could also be interpreted to say, “seek justice” and “give a just verdict to the fatherless” but that didn’t necessarily make it any clearer. After some studying, though, I realized that judging right from wrong is becoming so difficult in our world today, that Isaiah is teaching something critical: we must learn to balance justice with mercy if we truly want to help those in need. Correctly discerning how to act in order to be the most helpful and effective for others—both in our personal efforts (i.e. families and neighborhoods) and our collective efforts (i.e. churches and governments), is of supreme importance. Isaiah even seems to suggest it is vital to our becoming "perfect, even as [our] Father which is in heaven is perfect," (Matt 5:48) and therefore directly affects our potential.

This theme not only appears in Chapter 1 of Isaiah, but also in many other places. Chapter 59, especially, is very insightful for further study on the topic of justice and judgment. But why do you think Isaiah stresses learning to judge correctly? How can we learn to judge correctly?

Although I will write occasional articles on this subject in the future, I will leave the burden of further study, as well as interpretation of the symbolism in this painting, up to you. Here is a great article on "Judge Not" and Judging to whet your appetite. Also, here are a few questions to get you started as you look into the symbolism within the painting:

• What do the red robe and white garment symbolize?
• Is she willingly removing the robe? Or is she clutching it, reluctant to let it go? Which one is your inclination with your own “red robes”?
• What is she doing to balance the crooked scale? What do you do when you are learning to judge as the Lord judges?
• Has she just glanced up to look at the light, or has she been focused on it for some time? What is your inclination when you are learning to be the best Christian you can be?
  
• What is it like when you are feeling inspiration? (I originally thought about putting a dove—a common symbol of the Holy Spirit—in the center of the source of light. But I replaced it with something that is closer to my own experience). How would you depict your spiritual insights in a strictly visual medium if you were an artist?
• How do you think our society today has strayed from a balance between justice and mercy? What are you doing to stand for what is right?

I hope you enjoy your pondering and your research of Isaiah’s principle of justice as much as I enjoyed mine. Through it, I have come to take as much comfort in God’s justice as I take in His mercy. Yes, justice is truly a wonderful principle.

2011Res: To Matt: I am sorry you finally came down with the flu that the rest of us had. I love that you keep marching forward even when you are sick. To Heidi: today I savored you saying, with the greatest sense of urgency, "Yummy! YUMMY! Yummmmmiessss!" before we started breakfast. To Brynn: today I savored your incessant requests for new food--things you never eat. Yes, you must be feeling much better after surgery! Dear Mr H: today I made life as comfortable as possible for you when you got home from your business trip, so you could recover from your flu.

*I realize the idea of God's grace having "prerequisites" touches on the doctrine of grace and works that few Christian congregations can agree on. Mormons are often accused of not believing in grace and focusing solely on works, but I think these explanations from members of our church are very insightful as to my true feelings. As always, I respect your opinion if it is different than mine!

Introducing: Isaiah's Imagery

I am in the process of completing a large series of paintings about the writings of Isaiah. Tomorrow, I'll "unveil" my first painting, but today, I'll introduce what this project is—and is not—about.

CREATE EXCELLENT ART
I sincerely hope each piece in this project is: first, a work of Art—where vision and light work together to create a compelling image; second, a Painting—where the technical skills are as close to excellence as possible; and third, a Teacher—where the message is an eternal priority but the delivery can be more effective when the first two criteria precede it.

TEACH CORRECT PRINCIPLE
I don’t presume to know exactly what Isaiah means by all of his symbols and predictions. But I take comfort in the fact that even Christ’s Apostles were not only (A) unsure of how Christ’s mission would unfold even after He made it pretty clear (Matt 16:21-23) but also (B) doubted the truth even when events happened just as Christ said they would (Mark 16:14). Since I’m certainly no better than they, this project will focus on what I can—and must—learn: how to incorporate Isaiah’s principles into my own life. Then when God someday says, “THIS is what Isaiah means. NOW his words are fulfilled,” I’ll have sufficient familiarity with Isaiah's words to know what He's referring to and sufficient faith to believe Him.

MAKE MY MESSAGE UNIVERSAL
Though my own religious bias will be inescapable at times, I still hope my entire audience (some of whom I know belong to many different faiths—or no faith at all) will be able to relate to the principles I share. After all, principles are universal.

FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
Since my focus is on principles rather than events, I only care about what his teachings mean for you, for me (and for Israel), today. So although Isaiah certainly was biblical, I am not planning to use only olive-skinned models or dress my figures in traditional biblical attire. I want my viewers to be encouraged to read, ponder, and live the principles he teaches in their daily lives—right now. Because Isaiah's message has religious, political, and personal applications, this blog is about to get a more controversial--but I hope it is controversial in a good way.

INSPIRE A PERSONAL STUDY OF ISAIAH
Let’s face it. Even though Jesus Himself quoted Isaiah more frequently than any other prophet, as did many of his disciples; and even though scripture quotes Jesus commanding us to, “search … diligently … the words of Isaiah” (3 Ne 23:1-2),* most people that I know still avoid his writings. They can be very vague and confusing, right? That’s where this project comes in.

I have no guarantees that I will be able to finish this project because the lifetime required to complete it surely holds many unknowns. Regardless, I have decided to forge ahead and hope whatever I can share in the meantime will make Isaiah less intimidating for others.

ENCOURAGE INTROSPECTION
Although I will occasionally share what some element in my painting means to me, I will leave the bulk of further pondering, as well as interpretation of the symbolism in these paintings, up to you. I fear that if I tell you what everything means to me, I will rob you of insights that could have been—and should be—uniquely yours. I hope you share your insights with me because I bet you’ll see something I missed. If you do, I promise to reciprocate with my thoughts so we can enjoy being edified together. I look forward to hearing from you!

2011Res: To Matt: I love our new effort at texting more often throughout the day. Who else would I want to hear from more than you? To my girls: today I savored your mimicking each others' funny vocal sounds and then your laughter at the fun game you'd created. I especially savored the moment when Brynn suddenly stopped, patted Heidi's head, and said, "This is a little sister!" Then Brynn patted her own head and said, "This is a big sister!" I'm just savoring what good sisters you are for each other! Dear Mr H: today I texted back--even when I felt crazy trying to manage the two girls at lunch with cousins because I love you and you come first.



*In case you're wondering, this is where that scripture passage comes from.

Post Surgery

The good: surgery went well and Brynn recovered better than we could have hoped. She recovered faster than anyone expected and ate more (orally) in one day than she has in the last month combined.

The bad: I got the flu the night Brynn had surgery and had to quarantine myself from her. May I just say, THANK HEAVENS for Grandma Diane's willingness to watch Heidi? May I also just say, the worst thing in the world is to have to LEAVE your child, for the sake of your child, right after they've had surgery.

The ugly: Brynn and Heidi got the same flu yesterday, despite my best efforts at hand-washing. Luckily, it attacked mostly the back end instead of the top end.

The upside: Brynn has only thrown up ONCE--which is remarkable since any kind of bug like this prior to surgery would have had her retching up to 12 times a day. It's too soon to tell if she'll continue to vomit regularly like she did prior to surgery, but I'm still hoping this was only her flu bug.

Pre-surgery photo op:


The only smile we could get for the next 24 hours:


Recovering after surgery:


Starting to get around (the nurses' goal was around 20 ft 4 times per day, Brynn did more like 200 feet 4 times per day!):


The bad thing is this flu. We've had a lot of trouble getting meat on her bones for years. But three days of fasting after surgery and then a flu on top of that ... well, you get the picture:


The Scar is big, but that's because they can't do laparoscopic surgery twice (due to previous scar tissue):



2011Res: To Matt: I love that you NEVER get sick. How could we get through this if we were ALL sick? To my girls: today I savored the fact that the flu seems to be done with the worst. Dear Mr H: today I encouraged you that I will be okay while you are out of town on business for the next three days. I hope you can work with a clear head!

Sleeplessy Waiting

It's 1:53 AM. As is often the case, when my mind is awake but my body craves sleep, I'm on the computer. Tomorrow (or shall I say today?) is Brynn's surgery. Last night I googled a picture of a scar of what a little girl's belly looked like after an open surgery and explained to Brynn that we would be going to the hospital, that she would get very sleepy, and when she woke up she would have a scar that looked like that picture. I told her it would hurt but that her retching would go away.

I wasn't sure she'd understand, but I think she did. Bless her heart. She clung very close to me saying over and over, "No. Okay ... No. Okay." (When she really doesn't want to do something, she'll say, "No," and then complete my usual, "Okay," for me).

I wasn't feeling too emotional about the surgery up until that point, but when I could see her comprehend at least a little of what was going to happen, I started to cry. The poor thing understood what we were going to do, but she doesn't understand why. Oh how I wish she could understand why so it would be easier for her.

Then I got to thinking. How often does the Lord allow us to pass through challenges, and we wonder, "Why?" We tell Him, "No. Okay ... No. Okay," but the bad things happen, anyway.

Sigh.

I love you, Brynn. I love you enough to let you suffer in the short term--because I hope it will make you suffer less later.

PS I FINISHED the third goal in my 2011 Resolutions this week! Well, truthfully I didn't reach the WHOLE goal because I only did one painting (who knew all the work and research that goes into just the prepping of one of my BIG PROJECT paintings? Not me! So I reserved the right to change my goal to something obtainable). But I am happy with that one painting and I officially submitted it to the LDS International Art Competition. I will make the big announcement about what this project is about after we get through the surgery. Then I will post my very first painting for all of you to see. Stay tuned! WOO HOO!

PPS It was a good thing I had that painting to distract me until surgery day. And distract me it did...nearly every waking and should-be-sleeping hour. William Whitaker got all sorts of emails at all sorts of wee-morning hours with the details of my progress. Good thing emails don't have loud rings that wake him up!

PPPS Speaking of should-be-sleeping hours, I think I'm off to bed. I'll have to post the fun rain/snow photos at a more reasonable time. Like, maybe when my camera isn't up one flight of stairs and I'm too tired to go get it...

2011Res: To Matt: I love to see your overwhelming love for Brynn. Your tender side has come out, too, prior to this surgery and it melts my heart. To Brynn: today I savored your soft, sweet belly. Tomorrow it will change forever. I also savored our puddle jumping and a long walk in the first snow of the season! To Heidi: today I savored your amazing, scar-free body. I'm so glad you came on time. I also savored your ability to look pleasant and happy even when gigantic snow flakes were landing in your face and you had no idea what they were. Dear Mr H: today I texted you often to include you in our day and I also called the surgery clinic the moment you asked me to because I love you.

Surgery #3

Brynn is headed for surgery to undo her Nissen Fundoplication. The Surgeon--the most experienced in the State of Utah's Primary Children's Hospital--says he's never undone this surgery before or known anyone who has. But our date is set for October 7th.

Warning: I have not written about these details before because they make for a long and sad story. But sometimes life deals us sad stories. And I choose to feel the sadness, let it pass, and then feel the peace.

WHAT IS A FUNDO?
For those of you who don't know and yet still care (which I realize is a small minority), here's a quick recap of the Nissen Fundoplication (or "fundo" for short):



As you can see, this procedure involves taking the fundus (the top of the stomach) and wrapping it around the esophagus. This procedure is done in children and adults and is most commonly used to treat severe GERD (Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease). GERD essentially means that the valve into the stomach (noted in red on the photo) doesn't do its job properly and so food and acid from the stomach go up into the esophagus and cause chronic, severe heartburn. The fundo literally ties the valve closed, making it so the patient can swallow food, but nothing can go back up.

THE RISKS OF A FUNDO:
Since nothing can go back up--including air--fundo patients can not burp. Obviously, this causes discomfort as more air than usual heads to the other end.

The fundus part of the stomach is also a very important part of the stomach, so having that "tied up" (no pun intended), has some consequences as well. Obviously, digestion and absorption of nutrients diminishes. In addition, the stretching that occurs to accommodate an over-filled stomach usually comes from this portion of the stomach. This means that over-eating will hurt even worse than it does for a normal person. In Brynn's case, any eating will hurt, but it will hurt the most when recovering from periods of sickness when the stomach has shrunk from fasting.

Although a patient is supposed to be able to vomit when he/she has the flu, a more common negative side effect is that the fundo will be too tight and vomiting is impossible. Brynn's is too tight.

The most horrible side effect of about 30% of fundos is retching, which is painful, violent dry heaving since the patient can not vomit. In nearly all cases, however, the retching ends after 6 months. For a very small percentage of children (and the percentage increases sharply for preemies with low birth weight like Brynn), the retching can be chronic. Our Kansas GI docs didn't tell us about this additional risk, but our new Utah GI doc says that this tiny percentage are her "saddest cases."

WHY BRYNN GOT THE FUNDO:
First, we had bad advice. (Warning, I am using this as an excuse to vent:) Our worst medical experience was with the GI department at Children's Mercy Hospital in KS. They made zero attempt at informing us of pretty much anything--including simple things like the fact that some of Brynn's tests would require GENERAL ANESTHESIA and A BREATHING TUBE (we literally found out 5 minutes before the procedure) and that her tests would require an overnight stay (we were told it was a same-day procedure on more than one occasion only to realize we should have packed an overnight bag). Even still, I am an avid researcher, so except for the whole increased-risk-for-chronic-retching-in-preemies thing, I knew most of the risks of a fundo and really didn't want to do it. So, bad advice aside, there were other reasons.

Second, although almost all of Brynn's tests came back normal (an Upper GI scope, a swallow study, a lower GI mobility test, allergy testing, ultrasounds, etc.), a Ph Study did show she had a mild case of GERD. Regardless of these results, she still had unexplained projectile vomiting--up to 8 times a day. She was still gaining weight with the vomiting, however. She wasn't gaining much, mind you, but still gaining nonetheless, so this wasn't the full reason either.

In fact, we had actually decided against the fundo.

But, the day of surgery, the final binding reason reared its ugly head: we thought Brynn might be silently aspirating (i.e. getting fluids in her lungs without coughing to warn us). FYI to any Googler who may be considering a fundo and happens to be reading this, aspiration is the ONLY reason I would EVER do a fundo on a child younger than 3!!!

I digress. Anyway...

Although the tests showed she wasn't aspirating, she had a really low blood-oxygen score the day of surgery. So low, in fact, she probably should have been on at-home oxygen again. I interpreted this to mean that she was probably aspirating and we just hadn't been able to catch it on any tests.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then what I know now: it was a faulty reading.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then that her oxygen levels were fine and that she really wasn't aspirating.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then what we discovered 6 months later: that the cause of her vomiting was simply an overreaction to the stress on her body caused by weaning her oxygen too soon. She could breathe, yes. But she couldn't breathe AND digest.

I wish now--oh how I wish--that I had known then that she had a very good chance of outgrowing the vomiting in the coming months, as her lungs grew stronger and her body matured.

But I didn't know those things. And wishing is useless. And guilt is unproductive. And regret is a vacuum. So I choose to feel them when they come, and then I choose peace.

WHY WE ARE UNDOING THE FUNDO:
For kids like Brynn, who retch chronically, few options exist. Only one man, Dr. Hymen, has researched the miniscule population suffering from this and his advice is to put them on Amitriptyline (an anti-anxiety drug for adults) and Gabapentin (a gut relaxer). The reason this works is because the retching becomes a vicious pain cycle. The brain's first reaction to stress--even a minor stress--is to retch, which causes more pain, and reinforces the body's pain cycle. The anti-anxiety drug reduces the brain's "freak out" response to minor stresses and the Gabapentin reinforces it by relaxing the gut.

As much as I recoil in horror from the idea of putting a toddler on an anti-anxiety drug, it was our last option.

Brynn has been on Amitriptyline for over a year. For the first three months she was on it, it was a miracle drug. She started eating--voraciously--and after learning to chew and swallow, eventually was eating nearly all her solids by mouth. Aside from learning to drink liquids, she was nearly weaned from the G-tube.

But after she got her first cold, her body was stressed, and she retched regardless of her meds. Shortly after that, she got the flu, then another cold, then 3 more colds .... and here we are today. The Amitriptyline isn't effective anymore. We've tried a host of other drugs too long to recall.

Brynn is still retching.

And my heart rips out of my chest every time. It makes me so sad that sometimes I can't be sad anymore. So I get angry. But I try to feel that, too, let it pass, and then choose peace.

SO WILL UNDOING THE FUNDO WORK?
Even though our experienced surgeon has never seen anyone undo a child's fundo, our GI doc (well known across the country and friends of Dr. Hymen) has seen only ONE case similar to Brynn. After exhausting all options, they finally undid the fundo. And guess what? The retching stopped.

Let me repeat for emphasis: the retching stopped.

This seems like a distant hope to me but--Oh! how it would be a dream come true.

So, precedents aside, we are undoing Brynn's fundo on October 7th.

She could very well just continue her routine, only vomiting instead of retching. She could have a completely useless fundus and esophageal valve since all muscles atrophy without use and hers have been tied in a knot for the last 2.5 years. She could have severe reflux as a result. I don't know. Nobody knows.

But I hope.

And I choose to believe the simple truth: sometimes we do the best we can with the information we have--even if it's bad information. I choose to forgive all those that gave us bad advice. I choose to accept the fact that sometimes a good oxygen reading is hard to get on a little one like Brynn. I choose peace. And with God's grace, I can have it.

2011Res: To Matt: I love when you take me to the Temple. I love the peace we find there about scary unkowns. To my girls: today I savored our laughs at bath time. Brynn just figured out that the sponge numbers not only stick to the bath walls, but ALSO to Heidi! What fun:

Dear Mr H: today I made our post-Temple evening extra fun because I love you.

Regrouping, Not Forgetting

Dear Reader,

I have not forgotten you. I have, however, been going through one of the top 3 most excruciating growth periods of my life. I wasn't sure what to write when it felt like I didn't have any answers to accompany my questions. But, as the darkest dark nearly always hits just before the dawn, I’ve also received some of the most monumental insights of my life.

I’ll get around to sharing those insights in later posts (believe me I can hardly wait).

For now I will simply say that many of my long-held beliefs--beliefs so ingrained in my life that I didn't even realize they were worthy of examination--have now burned up before my very eyes. I didn't even notice how tightly I was gripping the beliefs until the burning embers turned to ashes and blew from my grasp with several final gusts of irony.

Not sure what to grab onto next, I have been in an all-encompassing search for answers. Night and day, every spare minute, reading book after book, praying, fasting, even going to our sacred Temple--I'm telling you, all-encompassing. The answers I've found are, well, completely new to me; but really just age-old principles that took on new meaning and application. I often wonder why I was so blind all along.

I still have some work to do, but consider this post a pre-announcement for more to come.

For the last 5 years I've been working on a project that few people know about. The prep work has been tedious but, oddly, has also prepared me to know what to DO with many of the answers I've found over the past few months.

If I have any luck in being pleased with what comes off my paint brush, this new beginning will be marked by a single painting--the first of what I hope will be nearly 60 total paintings. It will take me a lifetime to finish all of them, but I decided to share the paintings as I go instead of waiting until they are all completed. This means seeing me in the process will make the overall project a little less polished or even cohesive; but the urgency of sharing what I've learned feels too critical to wait.

Thanks for waiting and thanks for following. I have not forgotten you.

2011Res: To Matt: I am humbled by your courage and curiosity. I am glad I have your hand to hold for eternity. To Heidi: today I savored your boisterous giggles when I thought my "show" was anything but funny. Oh I wish I could record that laugh and listen to it over and over again. To Brynn: today I savored your pleas to pick you up. You always say, "Pick you up, please." After telling you I was busy and could not pick you up (about 20 times), you stopped, thought, and said, "Pick ME up, please." WOW! To reward you for correcting your own grammar, I picked you up! Dear Mr H: I have learned that one good way to serve you is to "step away" from the "red fire ants." Thank you for seeing it as a loving maneuver instead of a threat.